Friday the Murphy

Today is a Murphy day! You’ve heard of it, heck, I’m sure you’ve experienced it! THE day where everything that could go wrong, did go wrong! You were there, just minding your own business when suddenly, everything started falling on the buttered side!

Well today, for me, is the Murphiest day of all! I woke up 3 times last night. This morning, my alarm clock woke me up bright and early for no apparent reason… no one needed me, I had no appointments, nor did I have a plane to catch heading to Bora Bora to an all inclusive resort for a trip I won on a popular game show.

Yet, I kept on smiling and kick started my day with a phone call from a friend who told me what I considered to be the worst news I could get on that day (don’t worry, I’m fine, everything is fixed now). Then I spent half the day trying to find a solution to this bad news. That being done, and half of my day being gone, I decided to burn some foil!Well, not exactly, the decision process involved some soup, but nonetheless, burnt foil was the end result. I had no choice but to clean the house. Well little did I know, the house didn’t care much for neatness! The floor mop attacked me in the face with some very corrosive and irritating liquid. Then, as I was recovering sight, the 127 pound vacuum resisted each and every one of my movements! It felt like I was vacuuming with a dead sumo corpse!!! Then the dryer decided to not only shrink, everything I owned, but also to miniaturise it. And finally, the laundry basket decided a load of pre and post shrunk items was way too heavy to handle, therefore, it testified its resentment to cooperate by falling apart like an americain fleet anchored in Pearl Harbor.

The day isn’t over yet. But for my sake and your own, I decided not to step outside. However, if you do see a house on fire from afar, please call 911. And while you’re at it, call Murphy and tell him to shove his law up his ass!

mh

Patience you say?!

Don’t you ever feel like your life is a 23rd of December? Don’t you ever feel like everything is about to unravel itself. Don’t you ever feel like the only thing missing to your life is tomorrow.

Oh you don’t? Well buzz off cause I do!! And the truth is, I can handle the wait. I consider myself a patient person. Mainly because I’m late most of the time so I don’t mind waiting on others. OK, I guess I’m more compassionate by default than patient by choice… But still, I don’t mind waiting 15 minutes after eating before I go for a swim. Even if I love swimming. Hell, even if I invented swimming! It’s true, I did, Phelps just improved it!

However, there’s something about patience… You see I’m only patient with the smallest little details. I don’t mind spending half an hour scratching on a scotch tape roll to find the end of it. I don’t mind waiting for someone to take a left turn. Heck I don’t even mind waiting for my gynecologist to finish the exam… He suffers from severe Parkinson!

However I have no patience whatsoever for life in general. I can’t wait on life anymore. I’m sorry life but get your act together! I’m not gonna wait for you anymore! Mommy’s leaving now! I SAID… MOMMY’S LEAVING NOW! I’m gonna count to tree, if you’re not there by the time I’m finished… leaf… trunk… TREE!

Ohhh it’s no use… I have no authority nor ability to count! I’ve had enough, I just can’t wait on life anymore! I want life to be there when I wake up, there when I work my ass off and there when I get back from the office, waiting for me by the fire with sushi and wine. I want my life to yell Polo when I call Marco! I want the echo of my voice to respond before I even start yelling in the grand canyon of life. I’m sick of playing this stupid hide and seek game! I’m standing here right in front of you life! I’m out and wide open!!! Make a pass already! I’m a good catcher I swear! Hut, hut, hut…

Come on life! I’m not gonna stay in line forever! I don’t care how cool the ride is! If you don’t get here fast enough, I’m gonna get rid of a sick kid, steal his wheelchair and hop in the handicap line! Is this what you want from me life? To become a wheelchair criminal! Is this what I was born to do? Hurt harmless kids?

I think not!!! So I guess I’ll keep on waiting. But what happens when I’m sick of waiting? … NOTHING!!! Nothing happens because I still have to wait! You see the whole concept of waiting is based upon the fact that you’re waiting for someone or something! Therefore you have no control over the situation! Your whole life is on hold, while you’re sitting there twirling your hair around your finger, listening to crappy music. Because it’s a well known fact: where there’s waiting, there’s hair twirling and crappy music!

Axl Rose once said : All we need is just a little patience. I say, all you need is a reality check buddy, cause patience is not gonna get you anywhere unless it has four wheels and a power steering! Patience is a virtue?! Are you out of your crack smoking mind???!!! Patience is nothing but killing time! And killing is one of the 7 deadly sins! Shove this up your pipe life, while you smoke mine away! I’m telling you for the last time : I ain’t got time for the game…

Seriously! I don’t mind waiting as long as you get here on freaking time!

zen mh

Words don’t always come easily…

Don’t shut me down. I’m not a TV! Don’t close yourself to the world who’s only wish is to see the luster of a paper pearl! The sea would go dry without the ink you fill it with. The sky would go dark without the words you shine on it! Take your time, it’s yours to take. Everything that once was fine, will eventually brake. But don’t shut me down, if I don’t open up. I won’t frown upon the words you drop. I’m a jack in a box; I never know which idea will pop. And as a writer, I know better, than to be intimidated by a blank sheet of paper.

mh (qui poétise en anglais faute d’inspiration en français)

Why did Who hate How?

Why?

I love the word why! Mainly because it sounds like Hawaii. And honestly, who doesn’t love Hawaii?

You don’t?

Why????

Why is probably the the most used question word. If you stop and think about it, this year, you’ve probably pronounced the word why more times than you’ve crossed the street! Why is the most kingfull king word ever! He could kick How’s ass anytime at a Jumping Jack contest! And speaking of How, WHY is it that it’s the only question word which doesn’t start with a WH.

I’ll tell you WHY!!!!! How is Who’s evil twin! (In case you read this sentence like a question, what I meant by it, is that Who has an evil twin named How. And don’t you start thinking of How as a word with a cape and a deep voice! IT’S JUST A FUCKIN’ WORD! Words don’t save lives! Unless you yell STOP at a retard who’s running with a Trident around a pool filled with razor blades.)

But How wasn’t always like that! He once was a sweet little word, just minding it’s own buiz… Until one day Who came along and started giving him shit for nothin’! How got yelled at in the playground, he got kicked in the nuts, he even took part in a Daytona drag race against I beg your pardon, who sadly got injured. We barely see I beg your pardon anymore; it’s crippled and only comes out once in a while. Mostly at Christmas when old people visit!

Because of that unfortunate event How felt very guilty. He wasn’t able to overcome the pain of being the one word to hurt such a beauty of an expression… Therefore, he joined a gang and started yelling stuff like YO YO YO! How’s in da house! Put your letters up in the air and write them around like you just don’t care!

So kids if you don’t want to end up like How, don’t be an ass of a word and eat your cereals!

mh